I USED to be a nanny in Southern California...

So I think I'll mix it up a bit and tell you guys about my short stay as a live-in nanny in Southern California. This whole saga started about 2 years ago. I had moved home (Longview) right before Micah was born to help out and after about 6 months, I got super antsy and decided I was ready for a change/adventure. So online I went to sign up for a few nanny websites and see where that would take me. If only I knew it would take me to the worst 3 months of my life...

I was contacted by J after a couple of weeks, she had 2 sons B (3) and P (2), lived in Pacific Palisades (L.A, Malibu, Santa Monica area) and was looking for a live-in nanny to move in 2 months. That sounded perfect to me. It was everything I was looking for! I didn't say yes right away though, we exchanged numerous e-mails and phone calls and I even talked to their current nanny (who had been with them for 2 years and had nothing but GREAT things to say about them!!!) I didnt realize that at the time that nanny1 probably just wanted to get the hell out of there and wouldnt ever say anything to mess that up- so everything was PERFECT according to her! So after a few weeks and talking with my parents, I decided that I was gonna go for it... I never imagined I would be regretting this desicion as soon as the plane landed...

Airline tickets were purchased (ONE way- eeek!) and off I went. I was instructed to call J when I landed and by the time I got my luggage she would be there. So I called, AND called, AND called, AND called and all I got was a generic robot voice mail. I tried not to freak out. I got my bags and sat, AND sat, AND sat. After about an hour I decided I had been totally duped! Someone played a horrible joke on me and now I was stuck. I decided to wait a bit more before calling my parents because I knew the tears would come if I did, so I sat for one more hour. That's when the gold land rover screeched to the curb and J jumped out. I think this was the only time I was happy to see her face the whole time I was there. She quickly explained that she misplaced her phone, the boys slept late and she hit traffic.... yada yada yada. So I get in the car and am introduced to the boys. B and P seemed sweet enough, both were acting shy but gave me smiles. My 2nd indication that this was not going to be a normal job (first- being picked up 2 hours late!) was when B announced he had to pee and instead of telling him to wait J pulled over on Santa Monica Blvd and let three year old B out of the car to pee on the sidewalk... I couldn't help but laugh as he peed on his feet while looking back at me and waving... with a "Welcome to HELL nanny Aubree!" shit grin on his face.

The rest my time their was spent regretting every second of moving! These people were not normal in ANY way, shape or form. The general vibe of their family was misery. Their house was just that- A house. Not a home, or a place of comfort. The boys were not allowed in many of the rooms and not one family picture adorned the walls. The house cleaner came twice a week to make sure their 2.5 million dollar box was spotless at all times. I quickly learned that this was not going to be like I imagined. All my families in the NW treated me like a member, not a employee. And the worst part was that I had no escape, knew nobody, didn't have a car and LIVED where I worked!! I learned the bus schedule very quickly and spent a lot of free time shopping and at the beach in Santa Monica. Breanne came to visit for 4 days after my first month there and I felt like I could breath for the first time in 3 weeks... but the day she left I couldn't stop crying! In fact I cried EVERY day I was there... and I am not a huge crier!! Anyways when I finally decided to leave it was a huge relief and my dad and aunt drove down and rescued me... Ive never been SOOOO happy to spent 18 hours stuck in a car in my LIFE! Forgive me now because this blog will be really LONG but these next stories will be worth it I swear...

B LOVED me!!

B, the 3 year old, was one of the worst kids I've ever come across... EVER. (P wont be mentioned much- he was very sweet. Odd I know!) Anyways for 2 months straight every single time I walked into a room B would SCREECH "I don't like Aubree, NEVVVEEERRRR Aubree!!" At first I tried to win him over, but towards the end I would glare at him, stick my tongue out or reply "I don't care, I don't like you either" (of course not when J was in the room though!) My fav part of this little saying of his is this next story...

J was always trying to get me to go to church with them. Not that I don't like church, but Sundays were my day off and I would rather have it off then spend it at church with the "perfect" family. (plus the first time I went with them J, she proceeded to sign me up for the young adult group and then I got bombarded my a bunch of girls wearing khaki pants wanting me to join them at Starbucks for bible study!! I wanted friends to DRINK with, not PRAY with!) Anyways, this given Sunday B started to rip up a bible. J looked down at him in horror and whispered "B don't do that, that's god's word" B then SCREAMED, at the top of his lungs, "I don't like GOD, Nevvvverrrr GOD!!!" The pastor stopped talking and said, "well OK" as J pulled B out of the sanctuary and I sat with my head in my lap laughing my ASS off... at least it wasn't just me B didn't like!!

The life and Times of a "stay-at-home" mom who has a full time Nanny

That's right Folks J was a STAY-AT-HOME mommy!! Her days were spent shopping, working out and visiting her best friend at Promises to get the latest rehab gossip! I'm not kidding.

My work schedule was crazy... I worked 5 days a week (normal), I had Thursdays and Sundays off. BUT Thurs I was required to get up and help her in the morning before school (7-8am) and then I was supposed to cook dinner on Thurs nights... so if I went anywhere I had to be home by 4:30! And on Sundays they liked me to do activities with the family... sometimes I declined, but most of the time they INSISTED! Anyways here are a couple of my "favorite" things about J...

- She liked to point out people's flaws... especially in church! "ewww her purse does NOT match her outfit!" She even told me everything she didn't like about me on our way home from a horrible trip to San Diego. For 2 hours I got to listen to her tell me she thought I was stupid before I came because I had spelling errors in my e-mails....

-She constantly complained about her weight... even though she was a size FOUR!

-She wanted a boob job and botox and told me this about 50 million times... A DAY.

-She wanted a baby girl, so she had it planned out down to when they were going to start trying (6 months from then.) How they were going to do it (full moon, certain positions to insure a girl...) and she even started buying maternity clothes!!! It made me wanna puke... she couldn't handle 2, I couldn't imagine her with 3! I had to get out before that happened!! side-note: I talked to the nanny that took over (shes way outta there too!) but J did get prego and had a... BOY!!! lol new nanny said as soon as J found out, she started talking about trying for a 4th!! wtf?
-She constantly started arguments with her husband (Big B... he is not mentioned, cause he wasn't home much. I did like him though... very normal and mellow guy.) while I was in the room with them. She also was always undermining him when he tried to discipline the boys or have any say in parenting. Her rule was that he was to only play with them and be their friend! It made me want to scream!

-She liked to comment on my weight and point out every time I looked "smaller." Thanks, but no thanks. Keep it to yourself.

-She didn't want me saying "good job" or "perfect" to the boys. Don't ask me why!

-Her idea of "working in her office" was to spend hours shopping online. Every once in a while she would call me in to get my opinion on certain dresses, designer jeans or bathing suits! She would even leave sometimes and set the timer so at certain times I would run in there and bid on items on EBAY for her!!

She was the most interesting person I had ever met and I hope I never meet another person like her! Thanks, but no thanks!

The one person I met there WORSE than J

So about a month into living there, J and Big B told me that they were going to be hosting a big party for Big B's co-workers. This was planned and discussed for weeks. The menu was written out and rules were layed out. I was to be watching the boys, but at the same time letting them interact with guest... I didn't know how this was going to be possible, but I was up for the challenge. J and Big B kept warning me about his boss, telling me he was a jerk and not to listen to anything he said to me. I brushed this off not thinking much of it. As you can tell from the title of this story, they were right. Lets just call this guy DOUCHE. So Big B worked with about 5 guys and they were all bringing dates... EXCEPT douche. He was bringing his DOG.

Who the fuck brings his dog to a dinner party?? Well Douche, that's who. So the night comes and every thing's going fine. It was a nice night so everyone spent the first part of the night having appetizers and chatting outside in the back yard. The boys were running around, sticking their fingers in the hummus and trying to show off. I was doing my best to keep them from being too crazy and getting them plates of their own food, so they weren't offending anyone! Nobody seemed to mind. Nobody but douche and his big giant "date!" He kept mumbling shit like, "who's watching them?!" or "ewww dirty fingers in the dip!!" I just ignored him, per directions.

He then turned to me and said... "My dog cant have ANY table foods!" I almost choked on my own spit! "uhhhhh alrighty" I replied. So now I'm a FUCKING DOG NANNY too huh?? So after watching him glare at the boys for another hour, he excused himself to go inside and I watched as his "date" happily took a half brick of sharp cheddar cheese off the table and proceeded to inhale it in 1 minute tops! Take that DOUCHE!!!!!!

side-note: Douche ended up telling Big B and J he thought I was a horrible nanny because I had NO control over the boys... Whateva douchy douche.

Kids and Alcohol.

So J was pretty crazy about what the boys ate and drank. Organic foods,snacks and juice spiked with water!! I had my own secret stash of snacks in my room... thank god for my mini fridge! But on the other end of things J was not picky about other things... like alcohol. She didn't want the boys to have a bad stigma about it, so if they asked for it, she let them have it. A couple of times B would have a sippy cup half filled with beer for dinner! I just bit my tongue... and made a mental note to write in my journal that night!

Anyways one day J was drinking margaritas and happened to set it down on the floor... within a minute P had gotten a hold of it and chugged half the glass. J just laughed and commented that P must like tequila! Well the next second B got a hold of my DIET COKE that was empty and probably drank one little sip. J FLIPPED the FUCK out!! She grabbed it outta his hands and scolded me for being careless!! Seriously I felt like I was in a twilight zone... she didn't care about her 2 year old drinking a glass of liquor... but soda was FORBIDDEN.

Denver

I will end this blog with the last horrible story of my nanny experience from hell. A trip to Denver had been planned before I let J and Big B know that I was leaving, so I told them I would go with them before I took off. (My dad and aunt were going to be coming to get me the day after we got back! woot woot!) I had never been to Colorado and since it was the end of this family, I thought it wouldn't be so bad. Well needless to say J didn't really like me AT ALL at this point and made it her goal for me to have a FAB time!

First off we were late for our departing plane, so we literally RAN (me carrying all the carry-on luggage AND pushing P in a stroller) through LAX. Only to get to the counter and realize we made it by one second... loaded up and tried to ignore the glares of all the crew and passengers who we held up! Since we were late we also got our seats separated and I got to sit with B YIPPEE!!! That was 2 hours of him kicking the seat in front of him and screaming about how he hated me!

So we get there and J shows me to my room that I am going to be sharing with the boys... J and Big B's room was clear down the hall. Surprise Surprise! Our room had one queen sized bed and not much running room for the boys. J had forgotten to pack the boys' any toys, so our options were the 2 trains P never let go of, and a coloring book and 4 crayons that I had bought at the drug store for them. B got those taken away and THROWN away 2 seconds later after J caught him coloring on the wall- WOOPS! Since we didn't have much to do I thought J might bend the TV rules a little for the boys. (1 hour in the morn, 1 hour at night) But NOOOOO- the one time I tried to sneak it on, was the ONE time she came to check on us that first day. "I don't think this is a good idea!" She snipped at me.

My other big problem with this set up was bedtime. The boys' bedtime was at 7o'clock on the dot. No if's, and's or But's! So for 4 nights straight I would sit in the bathroom reading since that was the only way I could have any light! I called my mom on the second night there crying... she couldn't understand why I was so upset when I knew I was coming home in 4 days... "I'm stuck in a bathroom!!" I sobbed.

The last great story trip was when J tried to get me to steal food from a conjoining hotel. She informed me on the first night that the hotel that was connected to ours had free continental breakfast and in the mornings she wanted me and the boys to walk over there in our jammies to STEAL food! She had even gone over and snooped somehow and gotten a name and room number so if anyone asked we would be prepared! THAT my friends is where I drew the line... there would be no stealing of the free breakfast at a hotel I am NOT staying at! Seriously? SERIOUSLY...

I cant wait to go back to Denver someday and ENJOY it!!

I am so thankful to be back in the NW and to be working for an AMAZING, normal, funny, down to earth family!! And if you know anybody thinking about moving to Southern Cali to nanny, have them read my blog first!!