I miss my friend.

This blog is not going to be as enjoyable as my others... I apologize in advance.

Today my sister mentioned that she had seen Yo at her work today and "almost called me so I could come in and confront her in person." I instantly got teary eyed, because if and when I do run into her the first thing I'm going to want to do is HUG her. I miss her, I miss her, I miss her. And as much as I was hurt by the ending of our friendship I have no desire to "confront" her...

We met about 3 years ago, while working at the daycare, and became instant friends. We were exactly the same person. We just clicked and within a month she was truly, honestly one of my closest friends. We shared the same taste in music and movies and spent hours cuddled up in our sweats watching movies that only we could love. (You Me and Everyone we Know being one of our favorites) We had the same morbid/sarcastic sense of humor and loved to sit and talk about the daycare kids who drove us crazy and the dads we wanted to sleep with. We had even planned to start a brothel at the daycare at night... we thought the nap mats would work just fine!! =) We spent hours sitting at the water front in Vancouver talking and watching the "bobbing boulder." We visited our first sex shop together, wearing our daycare shirts of course, and asked if they were hiring. (we totally thought that would be the perfect night job... but after we learned they had "jack-off" rooms we quickly changed our minds!) I could go on and on about the amazing memories I have with her... we were pretty much amazing together. Sadly now they are only memories.

I guess the beginning of the end was when I moved to California. She was an amazing friend while I was there, writing letters and always there for me when I needed someone to cry to. When I decided I was moving home we were both excited and had plans to pick up our friendship right where we left off, but not long after I moved home she packed up to move north. I was sad, but didn't think much would change and knew that this was a good opportunity for her.

It started slowly. We started talking once a week instead of everyday, then it led to once every 2 weeks... and so on. Months and months went by like this. I would try and call ALL the time even though I knew she wouldn't answer, and every time I would let myself get disappointed. Thinking I was doing something wrong. I mean why wouldn't she want to talk to me? What had I done wrong? Every couple of weeks she would grace me with a call and I was like a beaten little dog excited for that little pat on the head every once in a while. Then it would start all over again. I would tell myself that it was over and I needed to let it go, but then after a couple of weeks would break down and call, or text. When she did answer, she would say something like "I thought you had given up" I wanted to scream "WHY wouldn't you try to STOP me from giving up??" It was as if she shrugged her shoulders and said "oh well" about our friendship. I wanted SO desperately to keep her in my life, and it hurt SO bad that she didn't want the same thing. I know that growing up people had gone in and out of her life- she was used to it, but I wasn't. I didn't want to give up... I tried SO SO hard not to let her push me away. The last straw came a couple of months ago when we met up for a couple hours and had a good talk and made plans to spend the following Saturday together. I was already headed north to stay with Breanne and Matt, but was going to leave early Sat morn and spend that day with Yo. Well I called, and called, and called that weekend and she didn't answer ONCE.

I decided that Sunday after driving home from Seattle crying for 2 hours straight, that I had to be done. I couldn't let myself keep being hurt and let down by her. I knew I needed to surround myself with people who loved me and were there for me. So a goodbye letter was sent and I haven't talked to her since. But even now I have hopes that it isn't a goodbye forever...

Even though I have never been in "love", I KNOW that how I feel from losing Yo is heartbreak. She was a part of me and I love her. Even though our friendship was fast and furious, it was amazing. She knows things about me that NOBODY else does. She was meant to be in my life, even if it was only supposed to be for a couple of short years. When I think about her and our times spent together, I ache. I still cant imagine the rest of my life without her. I cant imagine not being in each others weddings and being aunties to each others babies. I cant imagine not getting to be old ladies together still bullshitting over our martinis. I watch our favorite shows and want to call her so bad and laugh at Charlie or Michael Scott together. I feel like a huge part of me is missing without her.

Right now I'm taking it day by day. I think about her every single day and let myself get sad about her every once and awhile. Ive been having dreams about her and have been seeing a lot of her family members lately... so I know its only a matter of time until we do run into each other and I hope when that happens we can HUG and maybe, just maybe be in each others life again...

"Back and Forth FOREVER"